The Great Dating Survey – YAG in Cincy

The Great Dating Survey – YAG in Cincy

The Great Dating Survey – YAG in Cincy

Background

As some of you might remember, this survey was originally sent out after the second YAG. It only accumulated about 15 responses on each side at the time, so the results were never considered conclusive enough to make public. However, this year the YAGermeister was reminded of the survey’s existence, and it was sent out again to our now much larger group. We thank all the brave souls who participated, and hope you will find the results as interesting as we did!


THE Big Question – WHY are the majority of single sede men not out there chasing girls?

1. Fear of Rejection. 2. Her dad and/or brothers are scary. 3. Not someone I’d feel comfortable bringing to meet my parents. 4. I hate being the subject of gossip. 5. I’ve known them all for forever and they seem like relatives. 6. We have no similar interests. 7. I don’t make enough $$$ to be a considered a viable spouse. 8. I’m content with being single. 9. I’m too busy to date right now.

Nearly 40% of participants indicated that fear of rejection is their primary obstacle to asking girls out, with the perception of not having enough income being the second-highest reason. Fear of gossip came in third. (Really? We’re trads. There will ALWAYS be talk.)

Now, based on the corresponding portion of the ladies’ survey, is this fear of rejection grounded in reality? As it turns out, not at all! The results are actually quite encouraging. Here’s what the girls had to say about their experiences:

1. Yes, but they’re always guys I have zero interest in, so I turn them down. 2. Yes, but usually I’m just being nice and giving them a chance by saying “yes.” 3. Yes, by some guys who have potential, but then things always fizzle out. 4. Yes, and we are currently dating. 5. No, but I often meet guys I’d LOVE to be asked out by! (only they never show any interest whatsoever) 6. No, never.

A whopping 75% of the women who took the survey – 78 Catholic women age 18 or over – said they have never even been asked out by a trad guy. Ever. And almost half of that never-asked-number said that they often DO meet guys they’d be interested in going out with – if only the gentlemen would ask!

As for any lingering fear of rejection, only 9 out of 103 total participants said outright that they wouldn’t even give an unappealing guy a chance. Most would at least go out with a guy a time or two to see if there was any hidden potential to be discovered.

So . . .

Key Takeaway #1: Guys, your fears are unfounded. If you’re even remotely interested in a girl, JUST. ASK. HER. OUT. It exponentially increases your chances of matrimony before the age of 40.

Thankfully the responses from the guys indicate that some of them have realized this, although not enough for the girls’ liking:

1. Yes, and we are currently dating. 2. Yes, but every time I do I get turned down. 3. Yes, and it went okay, but I don’t want to be more than friends with her. 4. Yes, but it was horrible and I’m emotionally scarred! 5. No, but I would if I could only get up the nerve. 6. No, but once I get a better job I will certainly start asking girls out! 7. No, never met anyone I’ve even been remotely interested in dating.

A full 53 out of the 86 guys who took the survey – almost 70% – said they have never asked a trad girl out. While some of the participants are understandably too young, the fact that almost a third find themselves lacking in courage (and the correspondingly high numbers for fear of rejection) leads us right back to the girls’ responses and Key Takeaway #1: Your fears are unfounded. Ask the girls out!


Narrowing Things Down

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the nitty gritty: What WOULD make girls turn a guy down, and what things turn guys off from asking in the first place?

1. Too short. 2. Too tall (is this actually a thing?) 3. Too big – physically intimidating. 4. Too small – I feel like his mother. 5. Too heavy. 6. Too old – why is it always guys averaging 10 years older than me? 7. Too young OR too immature. 8. Not smart enough. 9. Too smart – full of himself. 10. Too rich, and flaunts it. 11. Not rich enough. 12. Not chivalrous – doesn’t open doors/treat me like a lady. 13. Too liberal. 14. Too conservative. 15. Likes sports too much. 16. Doesn’t like sports enough. 17. Geographically unattractive – lives in the middle of nowhere/hours from the nearest Mass center. 18. He expects me to move to where he lives. 19. Lives too close to/is over attached to his parents – I foresee in-law problems. 20. Poor grammar/spelling. 21. Sloppy/bad dresser. 22. Poorly groomed. 23. Facial hair. 24. Has bad reputation. 25. Won’t take initiative – I feel like I have to plan everything. 26. Control freak. 27. Too romantic too soon – hugging/hand-holding/gifts.

At the top of the girls’ list of unattractive attributes is a guy who will not take initiative. (See, it all goes back to Takeaway #1 – just do SOMETHING!) Girls also set a high value on the personal grooming and proper dress of potential suitors. Unsurprisingly, chivalry ranks a close fourth, well within the top five. Manners, manners, manners. Most girls have gone so long having to fend for themselves that a guy who knows how to treat them like the ladies they are is already racking up MEGA brownie points. There’s no need to be corny or over-the-top about it, either. Basic attentiveness and initiative take care of most of it.

Interestingly enough, going back to one of the top items from the guys’ survey, girls don’t seem to find lack of material wealth to be an immediate turn-off when considering potential suitors. Obviously, there is some assumption that a guy will make serious efforts in that direction, but girls seem to realize that accumulating a viable net worth takes time.

Now for the guys.

1. Too amazing – probably high maintenance. 2. Not attractive – doesn’t take enough care of her appearance. 3. Too tall, especially taller than me. 4. Too short, feels like dating a kid. 5. Too heavy. 6. Too skinny. 7. Don’t like how she cuts/styles her hair. 8. Bad teeth. 9. Has poor taste in clothing/accessories. 10. Wears too much makeup. 11. Some makeup might help?

Unsurprisingly, guys also place a high level of importance on physical appearance – we knew that already, but this certainly reinforces it. And while most girls watch their weight anyway, being on the heavier side definitely doesn’t help things. Poor taste in clothing came in third – again, not particularly surprising.

What we did find surprising was that most guys didn’t seem to care too much about dating girls who were taller than them.

The brains category ended up being a bit inconclusive, with no strong leaders, but having a sense of humor does seem to be a plus. Sarcasm, however, doesn’t seem to be a problem.

1. WAY smarter than me – intimidating. 2. Not smart enough. 3. Just doesn’t seem like she’s mentally equipped to raise children the way I hope to. 4. Just not on the same page. 5. Show off. 6. Too sarcastic. 7. No sense of humor. 8. Has unrealistic expectations of what men are like.

Finances, likewise, was a bit of a dud. The majority never seem to have given the matter much thought. It would be interesting to find out though why it would be considered a problem that a girl who is expected to be a homemaker wouldn’t have an outside job.

1. She’s been raised in an atmosphere that is WAY out of my price range. 2. She’s culturally/lifestyle-wise not up to par with my family’s expectations. 3. Her job is way more advanced than mine, and she probably makes more than I do. 4. She doesn’t have a job. 5. Uh, never gave it much thought.

The Catholicism section, on the other hand, yielded some very interesting results. Ladies, take note! Far and away the leading turn-offs for the guys were girls who wear frumpy, outdated clothing – remember the results for the looks category! – and also girls who wear pants during the week as a general rule.

Years of observation indicate a pretty wide divide in various aspects of Catholic home life between pant-wearing and skirt-wearing trad women, and also in the numbers of vocations that result from the two kinds of homes. It’s definitely something to keep in mind. Too much TV usage was also an issue. If you find this surprising, just look up some of the studies that have been done about the negative impact of TV on the human brain – not to mention the obvious effects on Faith and morals from constant exposure to filth. Anymore, having the TV on is like having sewage pumped directly into your living room.

On the plus side, converts and reverts who come to the Church on their own, before starting a relationship, are statistically much safer bets than suitors who convert just to please their spouse during the courtship process. The trad dating pool is small enough that if you’re sincere, you don’t need to worry about not being good enough for a lifelong trad girl. Nine times out of 10, she’ll be happy to have you.

1. I’m a convert/revert, so it seems unrealistic to expect a lifelong trad to fall for me. 2. Too conservative – dresses too modestly for my taste, kind of frumpy, even. Outdated. Considers all modern culture evil. 3. Too liberal – wears pants during the week. Embraces too much modern culture! 4. She’s never going to think I’m good enough. 5. Spends too much time in church. 6. Doesn’t spend enough time in church. 7. Watches too much TV. 8. Doesn’t watch TV at all. 9. Expects a big family. 10. Only wants a few kids. 11. I see her in church every week but for some reason have never thought to ask her out?

As for personality, we’re not sure if there’s some projection going on or what, because our guys, who are overwhelmingly afraid of rejection, have listed as their most prominent complaint that they find the GIRLS to be too shy!

1. Too shy – can’t scare more than 3 words out of her! 2. Too forward – she’s a regular flirt! 3. Won’t make eye contact. 4. Can’t dance. 5. Loves to dance, and I hate dancing. 6. Overbearing – can’t get a word in edgewise. 7. Holier-than-thou. 8. Weird hobbies. 9. Doesn’t like/follow sports. 10. Follows sports too much. 11. Can only talk about movies. 12. Hasn’t seen any movies made after 1980, it seems like!

Guys, we’re going to let you in on a secret. Two big secrets, in fact. (Remember, women are complicated creatures – that’s why we’re doing this survey in the first place, to help you out.)

  1. Girls have a MUCH harder time making eye contact with guys they ARE interested in than they do with guys they don’t care about.
  2. Girls are likewise going to be MUCH more shy and tongue-tied around guys they ARE interested in as opposed to guys they don’t care about.

Is this counter-productive for everyone involved? Yes. Do girls hate that it’s this way? Yes. Do they kick themselves for turning into stammering idiots as soon as a guy they like starts paying attention to them? Yes, yes, and yes.

Therefore, as a general rule, keep this in mind:

Key Takeaway #2: Shyness does NOT equal indifference. Quite the opposite, quite often. It may take some persistent effort to get her to relax and open up, but again, take the initiative. Try. And try again, if it doesn’t work the first time.

Key Takeaway #3: Most trad girls don’t know how to respond to your advances because they have no experience talking to trad men. Because said trad men often unfortunately act like said trad girls don’t exist. Vicious circle? Absolutely.

Key Takeaway #4: Dating, like everything else in life, takes PRACTICE. And if you’re not going on dates, you’re not getting better at it. This goes for girls as well as for guys, and applies whether you’re sticking to a more traditional courtship model or not. Most people do not end up marrying the first person they ever take an interest in. It may take dating 2, 3, even 10 or 15 people before you find “The One,” and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, provided you’re behaving yourself. It is a LOT different getting to know someone one-on-one in a dating/courtship setting than it is in a group while you’re having doughnuts after church Sunday after Sunday. Good communication is a learned skill – and so is flirting! Try it some time. You might even like it!


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